Tony’s Direct Action Ban Plan shalt Saveth the Celestial Orbs (which revolve around us)!
Medieval Astronomers from The Flat Earth Institute appeareth as expert witnesses beforeth the Renewable Energy Inquisition (aka the Senate Inquiry into the Direct Action Plan)
Travelling forwardeth through time using relativity-illusory, global-wormholingeth techniques, we medieval astronomers from the esteemed Flat Earth Institute of the Universitas of Climatastrophas (est 1033AD) – Adjunct Professor Greenhausen, Emeritus Emissionraiseth, Chancellor Carbonaceous and Vice Chancellor Volition Coalition – did verily cometh to bequeath our great wisdom upon thine Aussie Oi Ois of the Federal Senate echelon.
Occasioned by heathen deviant Greens challengers to our noble High Patron of the Flat Earth Institute, Tony Abbott, whose ruling decrees were being flouted and despised, we did cometh to perform our obsequies and decry the Aussi Swazi Labor Party with its namby-pamby little-bit-mean-to-polluters and round-earth-ideologues. We just couldn’t alloweth our dear Aussie Lord in Lycra, our Prophet Margin Merchant, to be victimized by such ignorant idolators hell bent on misleading and deceiving the public from hearing our inquisition’s entirely impartial findings that:
- Generating energy from free renewable sources (wind and solar) threateneth the Aussie-Aussie-Aussie way of life, Western (aka neoliberal) civilisation and all constellations of the Great Firmament in the pre-Copernican Heavens Above!
- Solar panels stealeth the sunrays from the galaxy and in so doing threateneth to sucketh thine universe into a black hole vortex, which is verily a cosmic manifestation of the Black Death, into perpetuity.
- Renewable energy dishonoureth and discriminateth against Sun Gods and Wind Gods.
- In their rage and fury the Sun Gods and the Rain Gods have formedeth a duopoly to starveth the Earth on account of solar panels and other ungodly, pagan free renewable energies.
- “Wind is a finite resource and harnessing it would slow the winds down which would cause the temperature to go up”*. Besideth, everybody who subsribeth to global-worming fully knoweth that it is thine wind turbines that trapeth stardust in the Earth’s atmosphere, that causeth the recordeth of unsustainable increases in peoples’ freckles.
- And finaleth, mounting evidence showeth that wind farms could bloweth the Earth off its axis and into a Galilean galaxy which is altogether foreign-owned not to mention indebteth and heliocentric.
Alas it was with great relieventide that the day of 5 February dawned rather cooler than most others during the early period of the year of 2014AD. For as much as we adore our sumptuous robes of rich velvet, satin and faux fur, they doth haveth a particularly global-worming affect upon us when we visiteth Aussieland during the sun tilt southward period. And for thine heat-records-obsessives among you, know that this has always been the case from time immemorial. We should know. Just as the flat earth has always and will always be flat. Thus spake Ptolemy, our most venerable and up-to-date source.
Entering the Aussie Oi Oi people’s ruling dwelling proved somewhateth stressful. The guards – who it must bespake did not appeareth very onguardish, having all forgotten their broad swords, chain mail coifs, and poleaxes– appeared dazed and stupefied. It was evident from the motions of their jaws and eyebrows that they were dumbstruck by our magnificent attire and feather-becapped nobility. After locking down the entrance – surely to ensure our utmost safety from wandering renewable energy heathens – a kindly servant arrived to escorteth us inside.
Our next hurdle was to contract our honorary titles into the wee squares allowed us in the modest welcome book. We fully subscribe and scribe to tradition and yet doth challenge any being to writeth ‘Adjunct Professor Greenhausen: Universitas of Climatastrophas’ within a space many times smaller than a common cricket, using a feather Quill!
As befitteth our nobleness, silence fell upon the people as we entered the meeting room. Our kindly servant of the public variety did her best to find enough chairs (modest and ugly they were!) to accommodate us as commoners. At least we enjoyed a full view of the proceedings for this public hearing of the Renewable Energy Inquisition was largely bereft of public. We surmise that this is because no defense can be found that standeth against that of the esteemed and revered Flat Earth Institute’s, Copernican Revolution notwithstanding.
Foresooth while impatiently awaiting our turn, we joined the Liberal National Party (LNP) Lords in guffawing at some nonsense about needing to reduceth Aussieland’s green houses. Meanwhile, as a Renewable Energy heathen was giving his opinion on the worshipping of Sun and Wind Gods, a LNP Lord doth entangledeth the poor simpleton with trickery, erm verified scholarship to sequistrate the soaring carbon emissions in farmers’ soils! Having been distracted from his thesis, the poor heathen was forced to listen while we verily enjoined in merry laughter and general bagging. This was followed by our heckling at suggestions that China is making a relatively far greater effort than Aussie Oi Ois at reducing the intensity of green in its houses. In relation to the obsession over green houses being dangerous, one of the LNP Lords summed up our response nicely with: ‘Well that is your opinion’. Indeed, all fact is mere opinion and centuries of empirical impartial peer-reviewed painstaking method designed to exclude precisely the vagaries of opinion is forthwith dismissed by us smarter people.
Nevertheless dear Arena readers, let it be known that our demeanor towards our foes remainedeth utmostly respectful. We made but one exception when – in reference to the Flat Earth – an ALP Aussie Oi Oi Senator spoke while drawing circles in the air as though the world is spherical! “Heathens, strappeth them to solar panels and sacrificeth them to the Sun Gods!”, we cried in unison.
Finally, after what seemed like an infinity, we were called upon to delivereth our fullsome expert expertise (as detailedeth above). As the panel members sat before us, there was but stunnedeth silence from all arrayed. it was evidencthed that our findings doth illicitedeth great wonder and amazement. Even Senator Christine Milne, the official leader of the Green Idolators, was struck dumb by our superior intellect and reasoning capacities. After muttering a mischievous question or two about polluter subsidies given to green houses (enougheth already), the poor heathen was left with no response beyond muttering: “Surely it’s time we end the Age of Entitlement”*.
And thus it was doneth. The panel was indeed convincedeth that t’is the Great Direct Action Ban erm Plan that shalt more fulsomely unlock thine Aussie riches in venture merging expansion, somewhat like subatomic particles during the medieval warming period, which it must bespake did occasion quite nice weather.
And furthermore, dost thou durst with neoliberal fortitude and a free market constitution (that is no regulations whatsoever on any trade whatsoever), t’is the dense fossil fuel sediments beneath thine Aussie flat feet that doth cometh to saveth civilisation. Only through unfettered burning of Aussie fossil fuels shalt sufficient heat be generateth to expandeth Aussie export markets in line with the steady-state cosmological theory – the one so viciously attacked by Big Bang heretics – that proveth once and for all that the galaxies and henceforth the cosmos, not to mention thine Aussie-Aussie-Aussie way of life, are only held together through continuously expanding markets, erm matter.
And, you heard it here firsteth, only the great and noble Abbott’s DA plan can saveth thine from the hell and fury of the Sun Gods and the Rain Gods and the Wind Gods and the Aussie Oi Oi Market Gods!
Trust us, we have BhPs in substrata profiteering!
* So, she’ll be the first to be sacrificedeth to the Sun Gods! (ref to quote here?)
The Flat Earth Institute proudly bestowing Greg Hunt with an honorary BhP in global worming!
Medieval Astronomers from the Flat Earth Institute travelled through time from the Universitarse of Climatastrophas, (est. 1033AD) to attend the eventide’s graduation ceremony at the Grattan Institute. The event (aka The Coalition’s Climate Change Strategy) honoured the work of the Coalition (deploying the Grattan Institute’s Back Door), for its widely credited contribution to global worming. It was our great privilege to confer on the Honorable Greg Hunt the Convocation Prize for Hot Air Causation after a panel of examiners did duly consider his oral examination in which he expertly defended the thesis titled ‘Non-delivery of an Invisible Substance to No one’. The examiners noted the candidate Hunt had, by the title of his thesis alone, formulated perhaps the most credible statement by the opposition to date and deemed his illiteration worthy of the highest degree conferred by the Universitarse of Climatastrophas in Gonzo Doctoring. The premature minister Greg Hunt’s Direct Action Plan for a reverse auction of his Grandmother’s carbon abated scones, through revegetation in the tofu substrata of Fukushima, soil carbon sequinstration, capturing gas from the compost behind his back shed, and new energy efficiency regulations over Malcolm Turnbull’s self- abatements will verily mechanate the market directly into floating international policy conventions. The Coalition’s Direct Action plan will doubtless have those renewable energy heretics from the CSIRO, IPCC, NASA, World Bank, International Energy Agency, Price Waterhouse Coopers – and all those other gullible experts who think the world is round – exposed as witches consorting with Satan.