Is “democracy” (chortle!) standing in the way of your unlimited financial ambitions? Call the Hackers Guild on 1800 666 666 now! Having trouble getting approval to frack or mine nature reserves, National Parks, sacred sites or pesky farmers’ land? The Hackers’ Guild...
Your Taxes @ Work
Backed by neo-heavyweights, including BUMS* CEO2 Coral Bleach, Michelle & Vanessa Guthrie (no relation) have united on the ABC's board to usher in a new era of ‘balance’ from the public broadcaster! Ever since Ruppie’s daddy Keith helped found the Institute of...
Climate Guardians Descend on US Consulate Melbourne
As the new US Republican Administration’s assaults on human rights and environmental protections continue to mount, they're being met with ongoing and unprecedented demonstrations of determined resistance. Last monday’s ‘Presidents Day’ 2017 (20th February) saw...
The Clean Coal Fairy™ (every polluter’s fantasy)
Federal Cabinet Ministers fondling lumps of coal in parliament is all the evidence needed to prove that digging & dealing & burning is what makes Australia the truly greatest quarry in the world. To unequivocally allay the doubts of any deniers out there, the...
‘Coal by Josh and Matt’ (and Malcolm) grades high-rank
Dear Poet, Thank you for submitting to ClimAct’s inaugural Pen a Coal Poem for Christmas Competition. In case you didn’t read the automated disclaimer carefully—as Gina’s A1-devotee—Coral Bleach's Our Profits was always entitled to win. Like Gina, Coral must always...
Our Auntie is Not a Murdoch
The tried and tested means of transferring invaluable public assets—assets that were established by generations of citizens—into private hands goes like this: Proclaim that the nation’s budget is out of control and cut taxes for corporations and the wealthiest people...
Announcing ClimActs’ inaugural ‘Pen a Coal Poem for Christmas’ Competition!
Do you have what it takes to win ClimActs' Coal Poems for Christmas Competition inspired by the universe's worst poem (so far)? Criteria: in 150 words or less, poetically (and satirically) serenade ordinary folk about the virtues of fossil fuels and mining through the...
Crashing the IPA’s Coalabration!
As always, the latest Institute of Public Affairs gala was a glorious occasion for us billionaire miners! We hobble-knobbled among corporate global giants including Texas Public Policy Foundation & Koch Brothers funded Chuck DeVore whose advice to the rapturous...
From ashes to ashes, bye bye Hazelwood. Finally
Hazelwood fired up on the eve of the inaugural UN 'Earth Summit' (1972). Ironically it was at this Summit that the first UN declaration was made re addressing the seriousness of climate change. The old and decrepit Hazelwood is an appalling polluter. It has long been...
Climate Guardians Honoured with an Environment Victoria Community Environment Recognition Award
It was a great honour for Climate Guardians to be among the community groups to receive an Environment Victoria award last night. During nearly four years of portending we’ve been graced with the presence of more angels than we can count, and they’ve come from nearly...
COALvid-19: “Hellscape” for Carbon Barons
In this leaked email from Coal Digger Coral Bleach to ScoMo, Aussie billionaire fossil fuel doyens plead for further massive public handouts.
Dearly Devoted ScoMo,
We can’t thank you and your fossil fuel friendly office enough for entrusting us with Australia’s economy. Free from democratic constraints and any other green tape, our National Coalvid Coordination Commission (NCCC, starring us 🤩) is drilling down even deeper thanks to all that lovely taxpayers’ money! No virus (or science or economics etc) will stop our turbo fracking!
While Saudi Arabia and Russia were feuding over oil and gas prices – stranding swollen tankers, decimating supply chains and collapsing market confidence in our carbon economy – we Aussie diggers have stolen the prize as The World’s Biggest Fossil Fuels Digger & Dealer!
As you say ScoMo, ‘How Good is Australia’!
But ScoMo mate, beneath our cheers are fears and tears! As market analysts (with reports with nasty names) are showing, carbon share prices had virtually halved during the decade prior to COALvid-19! That’s right, PRIOR to this carbon demand bashing pandemic.
Even with JobKeeper loopholes for billionaires, we’re literally facing collapse!
And all the while, solar and wind extractors have been stealthily invading our market territory, eroding our super profits and generally creating a ‘hellscape’ for us BUMS*!
Amid global calls to ‘build back better’, and for a ‘Great Reset’, we urge you to stand strong with us ScoMo! Don’t give in to the latte sipping, smashed avocado eating greenest alarmists – bring on more fossil fuel subsidies mate!
Don’t forget Who’s Who in Australia! We know you can deliver!
Yours Forever Effluently,
Ms Coral Bleach
CEO2 Billionaires United Mining Services* (BUMS)
ccd to NCCC via your Department of the Prime Minister and Cabinet
PS: BUMS’ political donation on account of the Government’s great work (nudge nudge wink 😉💰!) is in the coal sack that our man servant threw over the walls of Kirribilli House last night.