It was World Threatened Species Day, which resonated deeply with us Coal Diggers given the mounting, grave threats we face from the lefty-greenie-driven global uptake of solar and wind extractors! 🌞🌀
Determined to protect our specie’s way of life (and our effluence💰), at all costs, we decided to reach out to HRH The Queen. After all, without the Monarchy, us Coal Diggers would never have become so divinely enriched and entitled in the first place, right? 🔑👑
Fortuitously we ascertained that 1) as Australians, it’s our birthright to be granted a portrait of our Queen, and that 2) our local MP (and key parliamentary nemesis) The Honourable Adam Bandt was hosting The Inaugural God Save The Queen(s) Portrait Collection Ceremony in the very heart of the smashed avocado 🥑 eating peoples’ den – the Standard Hotel in Fitzroy.
The inner city heartland of the tofu eaters is a dangerous place for Coal Diggers, so we armed ourselves with a copious supply of coking coal to spike the extremist-leftists’ Chardonnays, and a bag of 💰💰💰 (aka “political donations”) to secure Adam’s favor and to put an end to the very mean things he’s been saying about our beloved coal. ☹️😢
Ever opportunistic we also naturally decided to capitalize by extracting a free portrait of HRH the Queen, while promoting BUMS* noble cause and generally stealing the show with our effluent and charismatic presence. 🔥💅📢
At one point an emotional CEO2 Coral Bleach proclaimed herself the Queen of the Neo-COALonial movement and claimed the ceremony to be conclusive proof of popular support for her divine reign. BUMS’ Attorney, Lignite Pitt QC (who was in attendance to escort Ms Bleach and to carry the brown paper bags💰) said that this was a case of res ipsa loquitur, so it must be true!
In fairness it has to be said that (after partaking in some coking coal) the Greenies were surprisingly understanding about our justifiable fear of the chronic outbreaks of the CID (Coal Investile Dysfunction) and REF (Renewable Energy Fever) contagia that are sweeping global markets. 💉💊
A particular highlight for us was the Honourable member delivering a passionate speech about how entrenched and influential Coal Diggers still are in Australia’s political system 💪👊, which warmed the cockles of our hearts ❤️ and definitely wasn’t fake news! 📰
Meanwhile, on the other side of town our adversaries were gathering in force at the State Library of Victoria to demand that coal stays IN THE GROUND! Quelle horror! 😖😫😱 Our day therefore took a decided turn for the worse as hundreds of hippies and other malcontents rallied against us vulnerable Coal Diggers as the sun set on Threatened Species Day. 😢
Thank the Lord that we still have the attentive ScoMo however! His prosperity theology 😇🤑 (aka neoliberalism) gets our tick of ✅😃 approval and he fully deserves another lump of coal for Christmas!🎄💰
*Billionaires United Mining Services (aka the Coalition government of Australia)