Pictured here with Gallilea Básîn, winner of the Mineral Beauty Fusion pageant’s Miss Coal Universe division

As always, the latest Institute of Public Affairs gala was a glorious occasion for us billionaire miners! We hobble-knobbled among corporate global giants including Texas Public Policy Foundation & Koch Brothers funded Chuck DeVore whose advice to the rapturous crowd of Aussies was, “here’s hoping that some day you too can find your Donald Trump!”

“Sweetie Precious don’t mind Donald, he can’t help himself!”

A euphorically coal-affected Coral Bleach kisses the entrance

Also among the mineral-atti were Gina Rinehart’s Lady in Waiting former federal LNP front bencher Sophie Mirabella, the former federal ALP Resources and Energy Minister turned fossil fuel lobbyist Martin Ferguson, the current Victorian LNP Shadow Treasurer and former Minister for Energy and Resources Michael O’Brien and Shadow Minister for Energy and Resources (and Renewables) David Southwick, as well as Victoria’s Earth Resources Regulation’s Bessie Abbott and former LNP Senator and neoliberal champion Rod Kemp.

“Do you like my lavalliere de dead coral & coal?” asks Coral Bleach

The Park Hyatt was a glittering under the pulchritudinous of Galilea Básîn, winner of Cachécoal’s Mineral Beauty Fusion Pageant’s Miss Coal Universe division

Upon arriving, effluent A-listers were greeted with a coalabratory carbon poetry slam featuring our very own ‘Our Profits’, which was greatly (as Donald would say) inspired by Gina’s epic ‘universe’s worst poem’.

Coral Bleach reciting lines from ‘Our Profits”: “Billionaires are sadly groaning from Coal Investile Dysfunction
This vile contagion is spreading around the globe, an epidemic out of control” (see full poem below)

Before long aspiring billionaire miner police officers joined the gathering, captivated by the billionaire miners unique coalture.

“That’s right officer, we’re a non-hierarchical bunch of billionaire miners”

We’re beyond proud to present our special coaltry (or possibly poaltry?)

Our Profits

Billionaires are sadly groaning from Coal Investile Dysfunction 

This vile contagion is spreading around the globe, an epidemic out of control

Billions in our rightful profits are threatened as our visa workers are left to ponder 

Solar panels are swamping our shores wreaking chaos, threatening our economy

Giant wind turbines are generating ferocious storms, threatening our bounty

That much a blind man could see, we must secure our booty!

But on this special night we celebrate our giant quarries, our minerals that delight 

You can see for yourself the magic we do with sacred sites!

Think of all the ancient souls liberated from eternal substrata entrapment 

So forget your Great Barrier Reef, our plans for Uluru will astound you!

Just give us your soils and souls

Relax now Aussies, know that you can trust us to do the heavy lifting 

Before it is too late!

This security guard couldn’t keep his eyes off Coral Bleach’s Great Barrier Reef keepsake of dead coral & coal

Hazelwood fired up on the eve of the inaugural UN ‘Earth Summit’ (1972). Ironically it was at this Summit that the first UN declaration was made re addressing the seriousness of climate change.

The old and decrepit Hazelwood is an appalling polluter. It has long been recognised as one of the world’s dirtiest power plants, emitting in the order of 1.52 tonnes of CO₂ for each mega-watt hour of electricity produced. Given the untold health and environmental damage that the Hazelwood mine and plant have done (including the deadly 2014 mine fire) it’s an absolute disgrace that it has had a permit to operate (and since the mid 1990’s make significant profits for private shareholders) for so long. It is particularly perverse and unacceptable that government policies and taxpayers’ money have helped wreak such havoc on the local environment and global climate.

Hazelwood’s mine fire burned for 45 days – blanketing the surrounding La Trobe Valley with toxic coal ash and filling the air with extreme levels of noxious smoke and carbon monoxide causing 11 deaths

Given how far Hazelwood is beyond its use by date, it’s a disgrace that no proper plan exists to quickly transition the Latrobe Valley (and other coal affected communities) towards renewables with cutting edge energy efficiency and storage technologies. Instead the community is still largely at the mercy of the speculative and staggeringly inhumane free market economy. Just a glance at the history of globalisation confirms that unchecked economic rationalism results in chaos for local communities, including steeply rising inequity and irreversible environmental degradation.

Carrying the red line symbolising a crossing of the Earth’s critical physical and social limits; it marks a non-negotiable no go zone where wholesale systems collapse^

Just as they did during COP21 in Paris, the Climate Guardians will continue to stand with the Latrobe Valley community in calling for a #JustTransition for workers, rather than ‘compensation’ for speculative fossil fuel investors. The community cannot and must not be left behind as we make the urgently required transition away from toxic and finite power sources towards zero pollution, 100 per cent renewable ones.

A flock of Climate Guardian Angels descended on Engie’s global head office to call the transnational energy corporation to account for its reckless and self-serving approach to business

Please join us in calling for determined, progressive government policies combined with collaborative community consultation to make the Latrobe Valley a global leader in demonstrating what a socially and environmentally sustainable #JustTransition looks like.